3 Wicked Witches

20170627_200938

You thought we were done with Mary Crawford film reviews, didn’t you? Well sadly yes, I’ve already reviewed every Mary Crawford film our beloved genius has ever made…at least, every film he’s made under the name Mary Crawford.  It turns out Mary Crawford is just one of many psedonyms of David Decoteau.  He has a plethora of films under his belt, many of which were released under his actual name.  What’s interesting is that these films, at first glance, are the exact opposite of his sexually-charged family-friendly fare: his “David Decoteau” films are strictly low-budget horror.

I was curious what this brilliant, psychotic man would do with the horror genre, so I browsed some titles before landing on one.  “3 Wicked Witches” won out, but the choice wasn’t random. It was an easy pick after realizing that everyone’s (and by everyone, I mean David Decoteau’s) favorite actress was one of the stars: that’s right, Kristine Debell makes yet another appearance in a fantastically bad movie, looking as frazzled as ever.

20170624_220328

I could explain the plot, but quite frankly the stock description on the DVD sums it all up pretty damn succinctly:

“When TINA, LANA, and DONNA, three best friends from college, reunite for their 25th year reunion, revenge becomes the order of the day.  Donna’s teen-age daughter recently died during a hazing prank and Donna has proof that five frat guys are responsible. Back in the day, Tina, Lana, and Donna dabbled in the occult and decide to use their powers to conjure up a demonic force to punish the guilty.  A possessed clown doll is sent on a mission of murder to the frat house but there are always consequences when one makes a deal with the devil! This evil clown is no laughing matter.”

-“3 Wicked Witches” DVD Box Description

I’m going to overlook the poor grammar in that description because oh my god, it makes my head hurt.  There is such a thing as giving away too much of the plot with a description like that, and this movie definitely crossed that line.  There’s honestly not much else to it  Vengeful women conjure a demon to kill a bunch of guys. End of story.

On the surface it doesn’t sound that bad. Sure, it’s not going to win any awards, but it could be a fun slasher film if done right.  Of course, this is David Decoteau we’re talking about here, so of course this movie is going to be an unintelligible whirlwind from start to finish. I never could have guessed quite how bad it would be though. I must admit, David Decoteau outdid himself with this one.

First, the clown doll:  If you’re expecting “Chucky” similarities, think again: the thing is not much taller than a Barbie.  From the get-go, it’s scariness is diminished due to its physical size.  Still, it could have had potential – sneaking around corners, murdering people when they least expect it in fun and creative ways – THAT I might have enjoyed. Here, all we get is a weird little doll who stares at half-naked frat boys from around a corner forEVER before finally stabbing them with the smallest knife ever to exist.

videotogif_2017.06.24_21.53.39

I’m not kidding, he just stares at dudes and goes, “Ar ar ar ar ar ar” every time he’s on camera.  His knife looks like it was made out of tinfoil and couldn’t possibly cause any serious damage, let alone kill a person before they can realize what’s happening and flick the little bastard away.

Making this even more bizarre is the frat boys the doll is murdering.  They all live in an insanely massive mansion, none of them are ever on screen together at the same time, and as soon as they get home they strip down to nothing but a pair of white boxer briefs. We then spend what feels like an eternity watching each boy go about his day, either wandering around the house, staring out a window, or working out.

videotogif_2017.06.24_21.55.08

This particular segment, a whopping 9 1/2 minutes long, shows this fandom guy lifting weights from far too many angles than I care to see.  “Ar ar ar ar” (what I’ve taken to calling the doll, since he’s never given a name) lurks in the corner, creeping hardcore on this unsuspecting guy.  After nearly 10 minutes of this nonsense, the doll sneaks up on the kid, stabs him with his toothpick-knife, and the guy apparently dies (it looks like they didn’t have a budget for fake blood based on the complete absence of ANY to speak of, so I’m never quite sure).

As tedious and painful as this is to watch, THIS IS ONLY ONE GUY.  There are SIX men doomed to die in the film (although the DVD description says 5, and there are 7 guys pictured on the DVD cover, so apparently nobody actually watched the film to confirm the actual body count).  While we’re lucky that one of the guys is killed off-screen, every other victim gets his moment in the spotlight, with at minimum a solid 5 minutes of nonsense filler before “Ar ar ar ar” murders them.

It’s unbearable to watch, I’m not going to lie.  It’s tedious and awkward. I’m not sure who it’s supposed to appeal to – it’s not porn per se, since nothing is ever explicitly shown, but it definitely has an erotic overtone. It’s like they tried to make a horror porn but forgot to include any violence or sex.

Half-naked doomed frat boys are only one side of the coin though.  The other half of the film focuses on Tina, Lana, and Donna, and what they do while these boys are being murdered (not a whole lot, it must be noted).  They primarily just sit by the pool, which has been enchanted to allow them to watch the clown do their bidding.  Apparently they get some sort of rush every time one of the boys is killed, causing them to muss their hair and flair dramatically as though having an orgasm.

Yes, it’s as awkward and over-the-top as it sounds.

Each woman has her own personality.  Lana (Kristine Debell) is the voice of reason, believing what they’re doing is wrong and desperately trying to change her friends’ minds.

Donna, the distraught mother, is a hot mess from the get-go, and while one can understand her wanting revenge, you can’t help but wonder if she’s in her right mind.  By the end of the film she looks downright deranged.

I don’t really know why she looks perpetually shocked in every image. I think that’s just her face.

Then there’s the ringleader, Tina, who of the three is the most skilled at magic, and as it turns out also happens to be a bit of a creepy bitch.  At one point Lana’s son comes home, and Tina thinks it’s a brilliant idea to try and seduce him:

20170624_215703

How would you react if one of your mom’s friends came onto you like this?? I get that the movie isn’t really going for realism here, but come on.  It was awkward as all hell.

Of course, it turns out Tina wasn’t REALLY trying to seduce the boy, but rather wanted to use him as a virgin sacrifice to the devil:

20170624_220110

Just a typical Tuesday night sacrifice in the living room, no big deal.

Lana bursts in and stops Tina, but ultimately all three women are killed by “Ar ar ar ar” (all within the last 90 seconds of the film) for some vaguely explained reason, something to do with not being able to control the demon inside the doll. At this point nobody cares, because they’re all so annoying and the movie’s way too damn long and you just wish that stupid little clown would come and put you out of your misery already.

There is absolutely nothing redeemable about this movie.  It’s painful to watch, and seventy-five minutes has never felt so long.  There’s the requisite “awkward reference that has no place in the movie”, when the women are discussing practicing magic in their college days: “We were just playing around like those girls in that movie, ‘The Craft’.” Um…ok. Please don’t sully the name of a legitimate movie by using it in your film, thanks.  There’s little to no plot, very little dialogue, and the so-called “action” consists of a pint-sized murderous clown poking out from behind walls like a Sesame Street puppet, waiting to stab half-naked frat boys with a plastic knife.  It’s certainly a far cry from Mary Crawford films, and yet in many ways, it feels eerily familiar.  Perhaps it’s the film style, or the repetitive use of boring filler scenes, but something about it is almost comforting, reminding me of the many Mary Crawford films I’ve laughed my ass off while watching.

Or it could just be that Kristine Debell stars in the movie. Seriously, she’s in EVERYTHING.

Take my word for it, DON’T watch this movie.

That is, unless you have some sort of killer-clown/underwear-clad frat boy fetish. Then by all means, have at it.

-Jess

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s